I had psychology first and my teacher greeted me with “What are you doing here?!”
Then I had Theatre studies where for a quarter of the lesson we wrote about semester one and what we think could have been improved... Or even about how our teacher could change. This was anonymous, then for the rest of the lesson we delved into ourselves and had to extract an emotion. Sadness, He told us that we should get an event from our lives and then take the emotion out of that and become a different character so that we can distance ourselves. Our character was a homeless person, the reason and the person was for us to decide and to show with how the character acted.
A lot of us just sat there and did nothing, just sinking into our own pit of darkness and fear, finding our weaknesses and all the things that we hated about ourselves and bringing it up all in that moment.
I however could not do this, my mind was just blocking everything out, I was just sick and tired of this hatred that I bring on myself and how no matter what I always cry. Sure it’s great that because of this it is so easy just to when I’m acting if I need to cry I can just do it straight away… But my mind just doesn’t let it go after that, it wants me to suffer, doesn’t want me to happy. And I don’t want to be like that. Every time I act like this, using method acting, I get affected by it. Sometimes it just takes me a few minutes to get over it but then I’m still thinking about it for the rest of the day. Sometimes it can affect me for long periods of time even spanning to a week, where I just can’t break away from this character that I have built up from my bottled emotions and I just can’t escape from it.
Sure people say, every things going to be ok. There’s no need to worry about this, you just need to relax and forget about it, really it’s not worth it.
But it is so much harder to say that then act on it. So many times I say yea I’m fine, but really inside I can feel myself fighting, fighting against the part of me I hate. Sometimes I can’t hide it from you all and I see that you just don’t know what to do or say, and that’s why I don’t want to show my weaknesses around people because all it does is show them that I’m just not me anymore, they also have to worry about when I’m going to snap again, or when I’m not going to be able to control it and just burst into tears.
That’s why I couldn’t do it in Theatre studies today, I just couldn’t do it, and I could feel it coming, I could feel the anger and resentment towards myself and others surfaces and also the thought that I can’t do this anymore… That no matter what I do, what I say, for this person they will always see me as a failure, they will always see me as the person they never wanted in their life but got stuck with. And after years and years of hearing this said about you, you just come to believe it as well.
I am a failure
a disappointment
I’m in the way
I’m no help, I just create problems for you and make life for you hard.
And when you say that you just don’t want me anymore, and that you want me to leave,
That you don’t care if I become homeless, I see in your eyes that you mean it. That for you, if I was gone,
life for you would just become perfect.
