That one person who everyone would think would actually drive us both apart... Actually brought us closer.
We talked about this and that and you approved.
You made me feel accepted.
Then we actually started talking... Talking more then just about that other person. But about ourselves.
And our feelings. And our beliefs. Yours especially.
It helped me understand. Not believe, but understand. But I didn't deserve your friendship at the time.
I was a bitch. I was mean. I was horrible to you and what you believed in. So much so that I appologised so much. But for me it felt like I should never be forgiven.
But you. You let it go. Didn't even bother you.
You let me have my opinion and then discussed it with me.
You were the only one.
That's when we got close.
You knew what to say.
Knew what to say to help me through,
When I literally had thought that was the end.
I was so down.
Felt so low.
You didn't include your belief to help and you didn't include him.
You just discussed what was going on.
And helped me think through it out.
You helped me have a clear head.
You have been one of the only people who have been able to reach me at the level,
and be able to get through my walls.
You have seen the real me, with no fakeness, no lies, no worry's.
Just me.
You helped me get on way to become strong again.
I was no where near it.
But at least it was a start.
You helped me put my mind back on track,
and away from all the distractions,
and hurt,
and worry that I was going through.
And I know that you think that you aren't the best person... Or an amazing person
Or a great friend.
But please. If you ever read this, you will see just how much of an amazing person you are.
And that you are more then you put yourself out to be.
I always and forever will thank you for your help.
xx.
That's right I'm back :)
For good?
I am not sure..
I must say I have missed blogging quite a bit.
It was fun.. It helped me vent, sometimes get in trouble.
I think I have changed.. For the better im hoping.
For some reason things aren't that bad anymore.
For some reason I feel like I can finally control myself again,
Be the person who I have always wanted to be.
Why do I feel different?
I don't know.
All I know that is for once, I actually feel real.
I don't feel fake... I don't feel like a lie.
For once I am just able to be me.
But then I do have my down days when I slip back,
Get lost in who I was and what I was.
How do I get back?
How do I keep myself from making the same mistakes?
I still think about it sometimes.
If it had never had ended.
What would have happened?
How would I have been?
Would it have made me better?
Was it the right choice?
I think so.
I know it.
I see it.
I hear it.
I learn things, new things about this.
And I think.. How could I have not noticed this before?
Why did I not realise this?
Why did I not notice that a life can be a lie.
What's the point in lying?
Hiding behind a wall that can be so easily broken down.
I've learnt.
Lies can never be hidden.
They will be found.
People will know.
So whats the point?
Why do this to the people most important to you,
Didn't you realise it was going to happen?
Didn't you realise that everyone you knew and cared about was just going to leave you in the end.
You.
You helped me change.
You and them and some others.
Some to learn from their stupidity,
Them to learn that people actually care,
Others to know that people are always watching,
and You.
You helped me to be me.
You helped me open and not be afraid.
I am not sure..
I must say I have missed blogging quite a bit.
It was fun.. It helped me vent, sometimes get in trouble.
I think I have changed.. For the better im hoping.
For some reason things aren't that bad anymore.
For some reason I feel like I can finally control myself again,
Be the person who I have always wanted to be.
Why do I feel different?
I don't know.
All I know that is for once, I actually feel real.
I don't feel fake... I don't feel like a lie.
For once I am just able to be me.
But then I do have my down days when I slip back,
Get lost in who I was and what I was.
How do I get back?
How do I keep myself from making the same mistakes?
I still think about it sometimes.
If it had never had ended.
What would have happened?
How would I have been?
Would it have made me better?
Was it the right choice?
I think so.
I know it.
I see it.
I hear it.
I learn things, new things about this.
And I think.. How could I have not noticed this before?
Why did I not realise this?
Why did I not notice that a life can be a lie.
What's the point in lying?
Hiding behind a wall that can be so easily broken down.
I've learnt.
Lies can never be hidden.
They will be found.
People will know.
So whats the point?
Why do this to the people most important to you,
Didn't you realise it was going to happen?
Didn't you realise that everyone you knew and cared about was just going to leave you in the end.
You.
You helped me change.
You and them and some others.
Some to learn from their stupidity,
Them to learn that people actually care,
Others to know that people are always watching,
and You.
You helped me to be me.
You helped me open and not be afraid.
Holidays
Ok. So I have no idea what to write about for today’s blog. I haven’t written in quite a while but stuff has been keeping me busy. I start with my first week of holidays.
Pretty much I worked. A lot. I got better at front counter and even got to do some running which was pretty fun :D Then went shopping didn’t spend that much only around $300. Then I got to see my family friend and spend some time over there.
Second week did even more work, and I got to do drive through for one of my shifts. I was so excited, but what really lifted my mood was when I got my “rookie of the month badge” I felt quite proud of myself. I also went (finally) shopping for my ball dress. I’m not going to lie, never doing it ever again. It was so stressful! The dresses I wanted were out of stock… obviously because they are just so awesome. But then that meant that I had to find other dresses, and they all looked horrible. I really don’t see what people think of these dresses with beading all over it. IT LOOKS CHEAP YOU DUMB SLUT! I didn’t say that to the shop person, but I really wanted to. SO anyway I tried on one sorta nice dress which looked pretty cool… until I looked at the price tag… $800!!! And that wasn’t even with hemming and all that fixing up the dress! In all it would’ve gone to over a thousand. So I told the woman to put the dress behind for me so that I could come back tomorrow for it. But of course I WASN’T going to go back. Seriously who in their right mind would buy a $1000 dress! THAT’S FUCKING CRAZY!!!
SO the next day when I went back to the city I went to the other stores and I came into this nice little one called “bridesmaids” and it had… well WOW amazing dresses. I LOVED THEM ALL!! But I found this one amazing one which was just ah beautiful! But it still hasn’t exactly what I wanted. But this shop was really awesome cus they actually made the dresses so I could actually say I want this that and everything done to this dress and yea now I’m just waiting for it to be made and in a few weeks I’ll be going back to try it on and shizzle.
Well I don’t want to say too much about my dress but I’ll just say that it is going to have the BEST corset that anyone has EVER seen in their entire life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Then after shops I had more work. Then I did more shopping this time shoes found the most comfortable shoes for ball I’m so happy :D
Down side of the holidays… I got introduced to the point system.
now I’m being treated like a four year old.
Three strikes and you’re out Oriana!
What’s my punishment you’re all wondering…
AHh let’s see
NO BALL!
And at the moment I am on strike 1.5 and there is still like 6 weeks till ball… wow I’m fucked.
Anyways other then that I haven’t done much. I chilled with alex a bit during the holidays, beat her at singstar cus I’m just amazing at that :D
OH!!! And jaja just reminded me! I watched Harry Potter and the dealthy hallows part two.!!!!
Amazing movie. One of the best movies I have ever seen. But looking at this in a critical way as a TRUE harry potter fan, I was quite disappointed in segments in the movie where there were changes from what happened in the book to the movie. Parts were left out. Parts were added in from out of no where.
SPOILER ALERT DON’T LOOK DOWN IF YOU HAVENT WATCHED IT!!!!!
-
-
-
-
-
voldemort hugging someone… REALLY WHAT THE FUCK. NO. JUST NO!
voldemort and harry going on a chasing fight scene.. WHAT. THE. FUCK. They have wands for a reason! They do not need to play chasy and throw eachother off a cliff.. wall whatever the fuck I DON’T CARE!!!!
THAT
Pretty much I worked. A lot. I got better at front counter and even got to do some running which was pretty fun :D Then went shopping didn’t spend that much only around $300. Then I got to see my family friend and spend some time over there.
Second week did even more work, and I got to do drive through for one of my shifts. I was so excited, but what really lifted my mood was when I got my “rookie of the month badge” I felt quite proud of myself. I also went (finally) shopping for my ball dress. I’m not going to lie, never doing it ever again. It was so stressful! The dresses I wanted were out of stock… obviously because they are just so awesome. But then that meant that I had to find other dresses, and they all looked horrible. I really don’t see what people think of these dresses with beading all over it. IT LOOKS CHEAP YOU DUMB SLUT! I didn’t say that to the shop person, but I really wanted to. SO anyway I tried on one sorta nice dress which looked pretty cool… until I looked at the price tag… $800!!! And that wasn’t even with hemming and all that fixing up the dress! In all it would’ve gone to over a thousand. So I told the woman to put the dress behind for me so that I could come back tomorrow for it. But of course I WASN’T going to go back. Seriously who in their right mind would buy a $1000 dress! THAT’S FUCKING CRAZY!!!
SO the next day when I went back to the city I went to the other stores and I came into this nice little one called “bridesmaids” and it had… well WOW amazing dresses. I LOVED THEM ALL!! But I found this one amazing one which was just ah beautiful! But it still hasn’t exactly what I wanted. But this shop was really awesome cus they actually made the dresses so I could actually say I want this that and everything done to this dress and yea now I’m just waiting for it to be made and in a few weeks I’ll be going back to try it on and shizzle.
Well I don’t want to say too much about my dress but I’ll just say that it is going to have the BEST corset that anyone has EVER seen in their entire life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Then after shops I had more work. Then I did more shopping this time shoes found the most comfortable shoes for ball I’m so happy :D
Down side of the holidays… I got introduced to the point system.
now I’m being treated like a four year old.
Three strikes and you’re out Oriana!
What’s my punishment you’re all wondering…
AHh let’s see
NO BALL!
And at the moment I am on strike 1.5 and there is still like 6 weeks till ball… wow I’m fucked.
Anyways other then that I haven’t done much. I chilled with alex a bit during the holidays, beat her at singstar cus I’m just amazing at that :D
OH!!! And jaja just reminded me! I watched Harry Potter and the dealthy hallows part two.!!!!
Amazing movie. One of the best movies I have ever seen. But looking at this in a critical way as a TRUE harry potter fan, I was quite disappointed in segments in the movie where there were changes from what happened in the book to the movie. Parts were left out. Parts were added in from out of no where.
SPOILER ALERT DON’T LOOK DOWN IF YOU HAVENT WATCHED IT!!!!!
-
-
-
-
-
voldemort hugging someone… REALLY WHAT THE FUCK. NO. JUST NO!
voldemort and harry going on a chasing fight scene.. WHAT. THE. FUCK. They have wands for a reason! They do not need to play chasy and throw eachother off a cliff.. wall whatever the fuck I DON’T CARE!!!!
THAT
WAS
NEVER
IN
THE
FUCKING
BOOK!
FUCK YOU!
also… luna and Neville…. Uhhh love… them… yea cute. But where in the book did it say this!!?!?!?!
AND WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED WITH ALL THE CLOAK SCENES!!!!
BLOODY ELL’ HARRY WAS SUPPOSED TO BE “HIDDEN” UNDER HIS CLOAK FOR A LOT OF THOSE SCENES AND ESPECIALLY DURING THE FIGHT WITH HOGWARTS AND DEATH EATERS!!!
AND COME ON!!! WHEN SEVERUS DIES IT HAPPENS IN THE OPENING OF THE SHRIEKING SHAK!!! AND THEY ARE UNDER THE CLOAK!!!
NOT AT THE BOAT HOUSE!!!
AND SERIOUSLY… WHAT THE FUCK!!! THEY CUT OVER HALF OF THE SCENES ABOUT THE PENSIEVE WHEN IT GOES BACK TO SEVERUS AND LILY WHEN THEY WERE LITTLE!!!
THERE WAS SO MUCH PEOPLE MISSED OUT ON. AND UNLESS YOU HAD READ THE BOOK BEFORE HAND THERE WAS SO MUCH YOU WOULDVE MISSED AND NOT UNDERSTOOD!
ONE OTHER THING THEY TOOK OUT WAS HARRY’S SPEECH WITH VOLDEMORT AFTER HE DIES WHEN HE COMES BACK TO LIFE AND THEY HAVE THAT WHOLE CONVERSATION WHERE EVERYTHING IS EXPLAINED… HELLO WHERE DID YOU GO!!!!!!
GRRRRRR!!!!!
ALSO!!! IM PRETTY SURE TO RECALL THAT THE DRAGON WAS NOT WHERE IT WAS IN THE MOVIE.. IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE IN THE LESTRANGES VAULT IM PRETTY SURE..
AND
OH
MY
GOD!!!
it was good they did the whole multiplying treasures thing…. But where was the BURNING!!! THE TREASURES WERE SUPPOSED TO BURN HARRY, RON AND HERMIONE!! COME ON HOW CAN YOU TAKE THAT OUT!! ITS ON THE FUCKING COVER OF THE BOOK FOR GODS SAKES!! ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND!!!! WHO THE HELL ARE YOU TO THINK THAT YOU CAN CHANGE DETAILS LIKE THAT AND THINK THAT PEOPLE LIKE ME ESPECIALLY WILL NOT REALISE!!! TERRIBLE! WREAKED THE WHOLE SCENE FOR ME
OH AND THAT REMINDS ME OF SOMETHING ELSE!!!
WHEN HARRY DIES THEN COMES BACK TO LIFE…. WHAT THE HELL IS WITH NARCISSA.. for those of you who don’t know characters.. that is dracos mum. ANYWAY! ONE HER HAIR! DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THAT!
AND TWO!!! WHAT WAS WITH HER TALKING TO HER HARRY!!!! SHE WASN’T EVEN SUPPOSED TO KNOW HE WAS ALIVEEE!!!! SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO STAB HIM WITH HER FINGER NAIL TO SEE IF YOU EITHER TWITCHED WITH PAIN OR YELLED.. OR WHATEVER.. BUT NO SHE DIDN’T DO THAT. INSTEAD SHE DID SOME WEAK PUSSY THING AND ASKED “is my son alive?” OH WHO CARESSS!!! GO IN THEIR YOURSELF AND FIND HIM!! HOW IS HARRY SUPPOSE TO KNOW! HE IS WITH YOU WHEN YOU ARE ASKING THIS QUESTIONG! HE COULD HAVE DIED RIGHT IN THAT MOMENT FOR ALL YOU KNEW!
anyway im going to finish off this harry potter rant and blog
and goodnight to all
xx.
also… luna and Neville…. Uhhh love… them… yea cute. But where in the book did it say this!!?!?!?!
AND WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED WITH ALL THE CLOAK SCENES!!!!
BLOODY ELL’ HARRY WAS SUPPOSED TO BE “HIDDEN” UNDER HIS CLOAK FOR A LOT OF THOSE SCENES AND ESPECIALLY DURING THE FIGHT WITH HOGWARTS AND DEATH EATERS!!!
AND COME ON!!! WHEN SEVERUS DIES IT HAPPENS IN THE OPENING OF THE SHRIEKING SHAK!!! AND THEY ARE UNDER THE CLOAK!!!
NOT AT THE BOAT HOUSE!!!
AND SERIOUSLY… WHAT THE FUCK!!! THEY CUT OVER HALF OF THE SCENES ABOUT THE PENSIEVE WHEN IT GOES BACK TO SEVERUS AND LILY WHEN THEY WERE LITTLE!!!
THERE WAS SO MUCH PEOPLE MISSED OUT ON. AND UNLESS YOU HAD READ THE BOOK BEFORE HAND THERE WAS SO MUCH YOU WOULDVE MISSED AND NOT UNDERSTOOD!
ONE OTHER THING THEY TOOK OUT WAS HARRY’S SPEECH WITH VOLDEMORT AFTER HE DIES WHEN HE COMES BACK TO LIFE AND THEY HAVE THAT WHOLE CONVERSATION WHERE EVERYTHING IS EXPLAINED… HELLO WHERE DID YOU GO!!!!!!
GRRRRRR!!!!!
ALSO!!! IM PRETTY SURE TO RECALL THAT THE DRAGON WAS NOT WHERE IT WAS IN THE MOVIE.. IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE IN THE LESTRANGES VAULT IM PRETTY SURE..
AND
OH
MY
GOD!!!
it was good they did the whole multiplying treasures thing…. But where was the BURNING!!! THE TREASURES WERE SUPPOSED TO BURN HARRY, RON AND HERMIONE!! COME ON HOW CAN YOU TAKE THAT OUT!! ITS ON THE FUCKING COVER OF THE BOOK FOR GODS SAKES!! ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND!!!! WHO THE HELL ARE YOU TO THINK THAT YOU CAN CHANGE DETAILS LIKE THAT AND THINK THAT PEOPLE LIKE ME ESPECIALLY WILL NOT REALISE!!! TERRIBLE! WREAKED THE WHOLE SCENE FOR ME
OH AND THAT REMINDS ME OF SOMETHING ELSE!!!
WHEN HARRY DIES THEN COMES BACK TO LIFE…. WHAT THE HELL IS WITH NARCISSA.. for those of you who don’t know characters.. that is dracos mum. ANYWAY! ONE HER HAIR! DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THAT!
AND TWO!!! WHAT WAS WITH HER TALKING TO HER HARRY!!!! SHE WASN’T EVEN SUPPOSED TO KNOW HE WAS ALIVEEE!!!! SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO STAB HIM WITH HER FINGER NAIL TO SEE IF YOU EITHER TWITCHED WITH PAIN OR YELLED.. OR WHATEVER.. BUT NO SHE DIDN’T DO THAT. INSTEAD SHE DID SOME WEAK PUSSY THING AND ASKED “is my son alive?” OH WHO CARESSS!!! GO IN THEIR YOURSELF AND FIND HIM!! HOW IS HARRY SUPPOSE TO KNOW! HE IS WITH YOU WHEN YOU ARE ASKING THIS QUESTIONG! HE COULD HAVE DIED RIGHT IN THAT MOMENT FOR ALL YOU KNEW!
anyway im going to finish off this harry potter rant and blog
and goodnight to all
xx.
Don't know why I even tried in the first place.
To me, I now see you worse then those people that I hate most,
and that's saying something.
At least they didn't pretend about who they were,
they at least were upfront about what they have done
and I accept that.
but you!
Shifting all the blame on me
I only want to leave because of you.
Yeah... Because what I have done is so wrong...
Actually, what did I do again?
oh that's right... NOTHING!
I totally understand what is going on here.... ?
Oh and to your next statement,
I only said it because I was so frustrated with you constantly
IGNORING me and if you weren't ignoring me then acting like
I wasn't even worth talking to.
Of course if you were in my position you would've said the same thing!
And don't say you wouldn't because I know you well enough to know
what goes through your mind!
And just to let you know!
You've lost someone who actually CARED!
You may think that you have so many other people...
But would they actually stand by you if anything happened?
would they care about what has happening in your life and trying to help?
obviously not!
Because if they were then they would be in the same position as I am now!
And seriously after all those.
I don't fucking care anymore.
You've lost my respect and friendship.
And I've had enough of your bullshit, and I'm sick and tired of everything always
being ABOUT YOU!
You were the only person who wasn't there for me when I needed them.
THE ONLY ONE!
I hope you feel good from hearing that,
shows how much of a good friend you are right.
Actually... When have you ever been there for anyone?
One thing I've learned from this is..
Watch out who you become friends with.
Because what's on the inside of them is something you do not want to come close to.
That is all for my little rant :D
and that's saying something.
At least they didn't pretend about who they were,
they at least were upfront about what they have done
and I accept that.
but you!
Shifting all the blame on me
I only want to leave because of you.
Yeah... Because what I have done is so wrong...
Actually, what did I do again?
oh that's right... NOTHING!
I totally understand what is going on here.... ?
Oh and to your next statement,
I only said it because I was so frustrated with you constantly
IGNORING me and if you weren't ignoring me then acting like
I wasn't even worth talking to.
Of course if you were in my position you would've said the same thing!
And don't say you wouldn't because I know you well enough to know
what goes through your mind!
And just to let you know!
You've lost someone who actually CARED!
You may think that you have so many other people...
But would they actually stand by you if anything happened?
would they care about what has happening in your life and trying to help?
obviously not!
Because if they were then they would be in the same position as I am now!
And seriously after all those.
I don't fucking care anymore.
You've lost my respect and friendship.
And I've had enough of your bullshit, and I'm sick and tired of everything always
being ABOUT YOU!
You were the only person who wasn't there for me when I needed them.
THE ONLY ONE!
I hope you feel good from hearing that,
shows how much of a good friend you are right.
Actually... When have you ever been there for anyone?
One thing I've learned from this is..
Watch out who you become friends with.
Because what's on the inside of them is something you do not want to come close to.
That is all for my little rant :D
What is the main reason that I haven't been blogging
It is very addictive and I love it ohh so much!
I'm not very good at it, but that is the best score
that I have ever gotten in tetris.
The blocks moving so quickly, and you have absolutely
no idea where to put them, your heart is racing (yea i get
a bit to excited when i play these games),
you lose control, you can't think properly,
your whole life is just devoted to this game.
Everything else has been shut out of your mind.
This my friends is how badly I get addicted to
games, tv shows, movies etc.
Once I start I'll never stop until I lose
continuously... Which will happen once I get to like pro stage
Which I'm really scared of. Or playing a game where zombies
or any other scary things happen... Even if that means having
to sneak around in a game (Harry Potter and the chamber
of secrets - Game Cube Edition -) The owlery where you have
to sneak past the shop owner...
Couldn't do it, begged my brother to pass the level for me, and
now for the past 3-4 years I have been stuck on the next stage where
I have to sneak past the prefects to get a book from the library..
IT'S SO SCCARRRRYYYY!!!!
Moving on....
And with movies I will sit there day after day... Hours on end watching it until I have watched every episode and there us nothing else to watch.
Anyways a game of 6 player tetris is calling me so I'll post you on how that goes.
xx.
Oriini,
the tetris slayer
=
There was something that I wanted to tell you all...
But I forgot.
OH!!!
Yes I remember!
There's a new pet at my house!
I have an OWL!!!
YES AN OWL!!
permanently living in a tree at the front of my house!!
I will show you a picture of my new little darling in the next blog
xx.
I shall call it Hedwiga :)
But I forgot.
OH!!!
Yes I remember!
There's a new pet at my house!
I have an OWL!!!
YES AN OWL!!
permanently living in a tree at the front of my house!!
I will show you a picture of my new little darling in the next blog
xx.
I shall call it Hedwiga :)
True Happiness
And when everything else ended.
The last time I was ever truly happy.
The change in me
I must forget all the things that gave Hurt me inside
I must let go of the things that I Hate
I must change what is wrong in my Life
I must live the life that I have Chosen
I must make sense of what is Happening
I must not let such things Affect me
I have to Forgive and Forget
Those who have unknowingly hurt me inside
Those who have on purpose made my life a misery…
But they don’t know any better
They are the ones that need help
And I should be there for them
I must learn to Accept others and their imperfections
I have to Change my ways to accommodate those
who don’t know how to do it themselves
I need to be strong
I need to be someone who has control
I need to be
Someone completely different to myself.
.
Say that I'm a psychopath
Make me take a taxi
Take away my money
Make me walk home
Take away my bed, pillows, sheets, room
Threaten to take away my lessons
All this to try and make me lose, obviously you have already lost if this is what you are trying to do to be "The Better Person".
Your going to have to try better then that!
I'm stronger then you think.
Make me take a taxi
Take away my money
Make me walk home
Take away my bed, pillows, sheets, room
Threaten to take away my lessons
All this to try and make me lose, obviously you have already lost if this is what you are trying to do to be "The Better Person".
Your going to have to try better then that!
I'm stronger then you think.
Well today was the first lessons of semester two…
I had psychology first and my teacher greeted me with “What are you doing here?!”
Then I had Theatre studies where for a quarter of the lesson we wrote about semester one and what we think could have been improved... Or even about how our teacher could change. This was anonymous, then for the rest of the lesson we delved into ourselves and had to extract an emotion. Sadness, He told us that we should get an event from our lives and then take the emotion out of that and become a different character so that we can distance ourselves. Our character was a homeless person, the reason and the person was for us to decide and to show with how the character acted.
A lot of us just sat there and did nothing, just sinking into our own pit of darkness and fear, finding our weaknesses and all the things that we hated about ourselves and bringing it up all in that moment.
I however could not do this, my mind was just blocking everything out, I was just sick and tired of this hatred that I bring on myself and how no matter what I always cry. Sure it’s great that because of this it is so easy just to when I’m acting if I need to cry I can just do it straight away… But my mind just doesn’t let it go after that, it wants me to suffer, doesn’t want me to happy. And I don’t want to be like that. Every time I act like this, using method acting, I get affected by it. Sometimes it just takes me a few minutes to get over it but then I’m still thinking about it for the rest of the day. Sometimes it can affect me for long periods of time even spanning to a week, where I just can’t break away from this character that I have built up from my bottled emotions and I just can’t escape from it.
Sure people say, every things going to be ok. There’s no need to worry about this, you just need to relax and forget about it, really it’s not worth it.
But it is so much harder to say that then act on it. So many times I say yea I’m fine, but really inside I can feel myself fighting, fighting against the part of me I hate. Sometimes I can’t hide it from you all and I see that you just don’t know what to do or say, and that’s why I don’t want to show my weaknesses around people because all it does is show them that I’m just not me anymore, they also have to worry about when I’m going to snap again, or when I’m not going to be able to control it and just burst into tears.
That’s why I couldn’t do it in Theatre studies today, I just couldn’t do it, and I could feel it coming, I could feel the anger and resentment towards myself and others surfaces and also the thought that I can’t do this anymore… That no matter what I do, what I say, for this person they will always see me as a failure, they will always see me as the person they never wanted in their life but got stuck with. And after years and years of hearing this said about you, you just come to believe it as well.
I am a failure
a disappointment
Then I had Theatre studies where for a quarter of the lesson we wrote about semester one and what we think could have been improved... Or even about how our teacher could change. This was anonymous, then for the rest of the lesson we delved into ourselves and had to extract an emotion. Sadness, He told us that we should get an event from our lives and then take the emotion out of that and become a different character so that we can distance ourselves. Our character was a homeless person, the reason and the person was for us to decide and to show with how the character acted.
A lot of us just sat there and did nothing, just sinking into our own pit of darkness and fear, finding our weaknesses and all the things that we hated about ourselves and bringing it up all in that moment.
I however could not do this, my mind was just blocking everything out, I was just sick and tired of this hatred that I bring on myself and how no matter what I always cry. Sure it’s great that because of this it is so easy just to when I’m acting if I need to cry I can just do it straight away… But my mind just doesn’t let it go after that, it wants me to suffer, doesn’t want me to happy. And I don’t want to be like that. Every time I act like this, using method acting, I get affected by it. Sometimes it just takes me a few minutes to get over it but then I’m still thinking about it for the rest of the day. Sometimes it can affect me for long periods of time even spanning to a week, where I just can’t break away from this character that I have built up from my bottled emotions and I just can’t escape from it.
Sure people say, every things going to be ok. There’s no need to worry about this, you just need to relax and forget about it, really it’s not worth it.
But it is so much harder to say that then act on it. So many times I say yea I’m fine, but really inside I can feel myself fighting, fighting against the part of me I hate. Sometimes I can’t hide it from you all and I see that you just don’t know what to do or say, and that’s why I don’t want to show my weaknesses around people because all it does is show them that I’m just not me anymore, they also have to worry about when I’m going to snap again, or when I’m not going to be able to control it and just burst into tears.
That’s why I couldn’t do it in Theatre studies today, I just couldn’t do it, and I could feel it coming, I could feel the anger and resentment towards myself and others surfaces and also the thought that I can’t do this anymore… That no matter what I do, what I say, for this person they will always see me as a failure, they will always see me as the person they never wanted in their life but got stuck with. And after years and years of hearing this said about you, you just come to believe it as well.
I am a failure
a disappointment
I’m in the way
I’m no help, I just create problems for you and make life for you hard.
And when you say that you just don’t want me anymore, and that you want me to leave,
That you don’t care if I become homeless, I see in your eyes that you mean it. That for you, if I was gone,
life for you would just become perfect.
I’m no help, I just create problems for you and make life for you hard.
And when you say that you just don’t want me anymore, and that you want me to leave,
That you don’t care if I become homeless, I see in your eyes that you mean it. That for you, if I was gone,
life for you would just become perfect.
Taking something original out of Ja's blog.
Dear Sir,
Joined a facebook group just then that reminded me about a previous conversation we had today.
To Two Special Sirs and one Sir who doesn't deserve the title,
Sorry about cracking it at you both... and you other Sir, you very much deserved it.
To One other Sir who was always been with me.. Just there to talk to, because you can't do much else.
I thank you
To one last Sir, Who is quite the odd one in this little group of Sirs and is quite different, I thank you for your friendship.. And just you being there in general
Don't want to forget one other Sir who I will never mention in name or tittle again, for of the fear of you doing things which are not.. morally correct in the way to deceive a friend, someone who you are supposed to rely on depend on... to grow up with and see as a role model, you certainly were not and I bid you farewell and good bye!
Sir you never really did anything that didn't let you gain anything, you are a very selfish man and one that I will always remember to keep an eye on to never trust. I thank you for that lesson in life.
scriptwriterssecret.blogspot.com/
This person is very special in my life and i thankyou very much! You have always been there for me. Whether that was someone just to be there for support or to be there to give me advice and steer me in the right direction. Without you, i may have done some very stupid things in the past which wouldn't have solved my problems but just made them worse.
Thankyou for all your guidance.
xx.
Joined a facebook group just then that reminded me about a previous conversation we had today.
To Two Special Sirs and one Sir who doesn't deserve the title,
Sorry about cracking it at you both... and you other Sir, you very much deserved it.
To One other Sir who was always been with me.. Just there to talk to, because you can't do much else.
I thank you
To one last Sir, Who is quite the odd one in this little group of Sirs and is quite different, I thank you for your friendship.. And just you being there in general
Don't want to forget one other Sir who I will never mention in name or tittle again, for of the fear of you doing things which are not.. morally correct in the way to deceive a friend, someone who you are supposed to rely on depend on... to grow up with and see as a role model, you certainly were not and I bid you farewell and good bye!
Sir you never really did anything that didn't let you gain anything, you are a very selfish man and one that I will always remember to keep an eye on to never trust. I thank you for that lesson in life.
scriptwriterssecret.blogspot.com/
This person is very special in my life and i thankyou very much! You have always been there for me. Whether that was someone just to be there for support or to be there to give me advice and steer me in the right direction. Without you, i may have done some very stupid things in the past which wouldn't have solved my problems but just made them worse.
Thankyou for all your guidance.
xx.
EXAMS ARE OVER!
All this hard work and time spent on revising is over...
The worst moment of this whole exam period was the Gat.... the G-A-T..
Waste of my time!
And with all the groups that I have added in facebook, I am pretty sure that I have failed the Gat.
Well of course I would fail it if my method for answering the multiple questions was by making little waves :D
a
b
c
b
c
d
c
b
a
a
b
c
d
d
c
d
d
c
b
a
.....
And so on :)
No school tomorrow!
Which means..
H
A
R
R
Y
P
O
T
T
E
R
M
A
R
A
T
H
O
N
!
!
!
" what an idiot.. "
" I can see them too! you're just as sane as i am "
The worst moment of this whole exam period was the Gat.... the G-A-T..
Waste of my time!
And with all the groups that I have added in facebook, I am pretty sure that I have failed the Gat.
Well of course I would fail it if my method for answering the multiple questions was by making little waves :D
a
b
c
b
c
d
c
b
a
a
b
c
d
d
c
d
d
c
b
a
.....
And so on :)
No school tomorrow!
Which means..
H
A
R
R
Y
P
O
T
T
E
R
M
A
R
A
T
H
O
N
!
!
!
" what an idiot.. "
" I can see them too! you're just as sane as i am "
I LOVE MY MCFLURRY!!
Every time I have one of these I go on a pyscho rant for about maybe one hour and then after that is when I start plummeting... Cus if you know me then you also know that I am lactose intolerant.. and let's just say this has the most milk product in the McDonalds range... Shows how smart I am right?!
Anywho they taste delicious and I think everyone should have them... All the time, and everywhere!
My brother showed me a maccas comic that suits me exactly
Enjoy the comic :D
You could say I'm just chilling
Just finished watching Resident Evil: Afterlife... Just loving how zombies have moved from being slow and just undead people to having supernatural powers, super speed, having tentacle things in their mouths, super strength, near impossible to kill and mother fucking annoying.
They just aren't zombies anymore...
Ah well, it's entertainment so I can't really complain. Now I'm going to bed to enjoy some amazing J.K Rowling novels... known as Harry Potter.. Going to be reading the deathly hallows of course!
Just saying, especially if jaja darling is reading this, we have to book tickets now because the first day of Harry Potter coming out has already been booked out at gold class... So we must hop to it straight away and order tickets!!
Anyways I'm going to be off because my comfy warm (electric blanket) bed is calling me.
Goodnight all.
Ps: Studying for psych... Nope :D
They just aren't zombies anymore...
Ah well, it's entertainment so I can't really complain. Now I'm going to bed to enjoy some amazing J.K Rowling novels... known as Harry Potter.. Going to be reading the deathly hallows of course!
Just saying, especially if jaja darling is reading this, we have to book tickets now because the first day of Harry Potter coming out has already been booked out at gold class... So we must hop to it straight away and order tickets!!
Anyways I'm going to be off because my comfy warm (electric blanket) bed is calling me.
Goodnight all.
Ps: Studying for psych... Nope :D
A little piece of heaven - Avenged Sevenfold
" 'Cus I always really knew that my little crime would be cold,
that's why I got a heater for your thigh's.
And I know, I know it's not your time.
But bye bye. "
that's why I got a heater for your thigh's.
And I know, I know it's not your time.
But bye bye. "
SEUSSICAL THE MUSICAL!
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| http://www.trybooking.com/Booking/BookingEventSummary.aspx?eid=8641&embed=8641 |
And you also get to see my on stilts.. Very high ones at that! :)
God worshipers
No one cares about how much you worship god and how much you would do for him!!
Stop fucking blogging, I swear the majority of people on this blogging site are only here to praise THE LORD!..
Oh get the fuck out! I just want to look a good blog which are entertaining and worth reading. Not your shit that just makes my stomach turn and I feel like vomiting.
Thanks guys, you have now RUINED my day!
Stop fucking blogging, I swear the majority of people on this blogging site are only here to praise THE LORD!..
Oh get the fuck out! I just want to look a good blog which are entertaining and worth reading. Not your shit that just makes my stomach turn and I feel like vomiting.
Thanks guys, you have now RUINED my day!
My goal
I aim to be blogging at least once a day from now on. I will try my best,
I used to blog a lot but then things happened and then hey my account got wiped and well yea.
That was the end.
But now I'm starting a fresh and better then ever!
Nicole is awesome and we have now moved a step forward.. instead of just meowing to each other we have now gone that step further and have become lions RAWWWRRRRR!!
OUR DANCING ROCKS!! <3
I used to blog a lot but then things happened and then hey my account got wiped and well yea.
That was the end.
But now I'm starting a fresh and better then ever!
Nicole is awesome and we have now moved a step forward.. instead of just meowing to each other we have now gone that step further and have become lions RAWWWRRRRR!!
OUR DANCING ROCKS!! <3
All bullshit
: As soon as she got in the room she was swelling up with tears, the whole time she was crying. She really does care for you and she wants things to change. And I can see that.
: I don't know what to say
:They really do care for you
: I don't know
:One thing I found interesting was that they asked why you were always crying at the dinner table. They didn't like seeing you in pain.
I asked, Have you asked why she cries
He said, No, I'm scared of what she'll say.
: I don't know what to say
:They really do care for you
: I don't know
:One thing I found interesting was that they asked why you were always crying at the dinner table. They didn't like seeing you in pain.
I asked, Have you asked why she cries
He said, No, I'm scared of what she'll say.
And this very moment, of timid and fragile honesty
"So there you go, you're gone for good.
There you go, You're gone for good."
There you go, You're gone for good."
the song i am going to sing for centrestage concert
"Would you smile with understanding?
Would you burn with disappointment?"
Could you bear to look at me?
Bipolar?... Oh i think so
How can i go from someone who is hyper and happy and just can't stop laughing to someone who is cruel and mean and sees everything as a negative.
This happened to be at work yesterday.
I was on fries for a bit and i was alright.. just concentrating on getting all the fries done and making sure i don't burn myself, the usual. And then after I had my break everything just started going downwards. I couldn't concentrate, i was pissed off with everyone and i was on dining so that probably wasn't a good thing.
I just felt like running out of there and never coming back.. not just from maccas, but from everything. But then after just an hour of that i snapped back into "happy me".. singing and dancing and acting like a retard as if nothing was wrong.
Sure it was still going on in my head and it kept on running through my mind.. but then there was also the happy thoughts that i was having and they were fighting with one another, who will win.
Is that what my life's come to.. it's either one way or the other. I have to always have this battle with myself about what person i am. How i should act, what i should do, whether i am the nice and happy person that most people see or the bitch that slips out when i can't keep it away and it drains me. I mentally can not handle it.
And it is so hard to concentrate when going through these stages.
I am so behind in everything. Haven't even started revising for exams.. Haven't even finished one of my three assignments which are due tomorrow (which have already been extended) and i just feel so confused.
The moments in my life where i just have no idea where to go, what to do or how to even start approaching this problem. Well know i know what i want to talk about on friday, but how will that help. Oriana you just need to relax and keep everything together. How, how am i supposed to do that when all i feel like is crumbling down and giving in. How am i supposed to block away those negative thoughts, How am i supposed to distinguish myself from a character i play on stage and me in real life when they are so alike.. How do i get away from it. How to i stop myself from falling deeper and deeper in this abyss. I've tried and tried so hard to stop this, but whats the point. I waste all my energy and get what. A day or peace.. maybe two, and then it strikes back twice as hard.
It's just not worth it.
This happened to be at work yesterday.
I was on fries for a bit and i was alright.. just concentrating on getting all the fries done and making sure i don't burn myself, the usual. And then after I had my break everything just started going downwards. I couldn't concentrate, i was pissed off with everyone and i was on dining so that probably wasn't a good thing.
I just felt like running out of there and never coming back.. not just from maccas, but from everything. But then after just an hour of that i snapped back into "happy me".. singing and dancing and acting like a retard as if nothing was wrong.
Sure it was still going on in my head and it kept on running through my mind.. but then there was also the happy thoughts that i was having and they were fighting with one another, who will win.
Is that what my life's come to.. it's either one way or the other. I have to always have this battle with myself about what person i am. How i should act, what i should do, whether i am the nice and happy person that most people see or the bitch that slips out when i can't keep it away and it drains me. I mentally can not handle it.
And it is so hard to concentrate when going through these stages.
I am so behind in everything. Haven't even started revising for exams.. Haven't even finished one of my three assignments which are due tomorrow (which have already been extended) and i just feel so confused.
The moments in my life where i just have no idea where to go, what to do or how to even start approaching this problem. Well know i know what i want to talk about on friday, but how will that help. Oriana you just need to relax and keep everything together. How, how am i supposed to do that when all i feel like is crumbling down and giving in. How am i supposed to block away those negative thoughts, How am i supposed to distinguish myself from a character i play on stage and me in real life when they are so alike.. How do i get away from it. How to i stop myself from falling deeper and deeper in this abyss. I've tried and tried so hard to stop this, but whats the point. I waste all my energy and get what. A day or peace.. maybe two, and then it strikes back twice as hard.
It's just not worth it.
Now what does existential mean.. for those of you who are not the drama type
Basically it means..
life sucks then you die..
the end.
great outlook on life eyy,
but i guess in some ways this is correct, everybody dies sooner or later.. So what does it really matter what we do with our life if its all going to be forgotten and just end
in just an instant everything can be gone. Done with, nothing more to do.
one question that comes up a lot in my life is
What does it mean to be existing as a human being?
.. what is right and wrong in the world
whats our purpose in life
what becomes of all our choices that we make in life
how can we be an individual if there are all these laws and rules which control and restrict what you can and can't do
Our life are full of decisions
but when you come to think about it.. it always ends the same way, there is only one road to go down... one choice.. one life
How can you truly live life if your always going to be afraid of whats going to come next..
of death
of loss
of always worrying about what others are thinking
To me, that doesn't seem much like a life. Not your life anyway, but someone else's. Everyone lives just to please others.. or to make sure that they are never alone so they have to change themselves and what they are so that they don't lose the people around them. Life shouldn't be like that. Life should be free, and full or wonder and surprises, but it's just not that anymore. There are no surprises anymore, no unexplored places. No unknown characters in the story... Everything is just the same.
Hopefully i have given you something to think about
xx.
Some times being alone isn't a bad thing
life sucks then you die..
the end.
great outlook on life eyy,
but i guess in some ways this is correct, everybody dies sooner or later.. So what does it really matter what we do with our life if its all going to be forgotten and just end
in just an instant everything can be gone. Done with, nothing more to do.
one question that comes up a lot in my life is
What does it mean to be existing as a human being?
.. what is right and wrong in the world
whats our purpose in life
what becomes of all our choices that we make in life
how can we be an individual if there are all these laws and rules which control and restrict what you can and can't do
Our life are full of decisions
but when you come to think about it.. it always ends the same way, there is only one road to go down... one choice.. one life
How can you truly live life if your always going to be afraid of whats going to come next..
of death
of loss
of always worrying about what others are thinking
To me, that doesn't seem much like a life. Not your life anyway, but someone else's. Everyone lives just to please others.. or to make sure that they are never alone so they have to change themselves and what they are so that they don't lose the people around them. Life shouldn't be like that. Life should be free, and full or wonder and surprises, but it's just not that anymore. There are no surprises anymore, no unexplored places. No unknown characters in the story... Everything is just the same.
Hopefully i have given you something to think about
xx.
Some times being alone isn't a bad thing
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